Brave New World: The Ciera Eastin Diaries

[Ciera Eastin]

Hallo, Damien! 

It's a new game! A new chance! A new... world, you might even say! 

~ Chapter One: New World ~

Several indistinct lengths of time ago, the entire world ended. But, luckily for humanity, some of us survived deep underground, and were protected from whatever it was that nuked billions of other people (I'm pretty sure it was an asteroid, but I don't know, because I really didn't pay attention). Thus, the seeds of a new human race were sown, and we rose up to reclaim the planet.

...I think. Our group used to have a specialist, Phillip, who called himself the Sheppard. (He was insane, clearly, but nobody ever had the brains to cast him out). He told me that I have problems accepting reality, and getting over things that have happened in my past, so perhaps this is all a vast hallucination brought on by too many Immunity wins. But since I'm telling this story, my version is law.

Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of provisions around. Lots of people have starved to death. Right now, there are only eighteen of us left.

- Abi and Pete: The Lovebirds -

Pete was dating Abi's sister, which made Abi incredibly jealous. After months of non-stop stalker sexting, Pete finally caved, and they drove up to an abandoned coal mine, where Pete shamefully banged Abi in the hopes that she'd leave him the hell alone. Unfortunately, while they were in there, the world ended. Left with nothing to do but screw, they emerged from the depths having forged the world's most twisted romance.

- Sean and Vee: The Minorities -

Sean was a travelling street preacher, and Vecepia was his personal assistant; she had always dreamed of being a preacher herself, but since she was tragically born without any personality or interesting characteristics, the best she could do was stand faithfully by Sean's side while he castigated whores and drug dealers. Sean was always promising that God would deliver a judgment day of fire and brimstone, and when doomsday hit, he sealed himself and Vee in a secret bunker beneath his church's altar, praying loudly and singing praise hymns to drown out the screams of those they'd locked outside.

- Tina and Katie: The Bumpkins -

Tina and Katie were simple Amish folk, living in a delightfully backward farming community. They and their kinfolk aw-shucks-ed and howdy-y'all-ed their way through life, shunning such fancy things as books, telescopes, radios, and newspapers, so they had absolutely no foreknowledge of things like punctuation, much less the impending doom that would befall the rest of planet. Interestingly, it was this bizarre blend of ignorance and idiocy that saved the mother and daughter: Tina heard someone whistling, mistook it for an oncoming tornado, and dragged Katie into a storm shelter. Their fellow hayseeds were still laughing at Tina's dumbassery when the disaster hit and killed them all where they stood.

- David and Natalie: The Predator and Prey -

Natalie was a starry-eyed underage naif, who didn't understand the effects she had on men. David was an older man, married, with children. His wife made the mistake of hiring Natalie to babysit once, and from then on David became obsessed with her, and tried like mad to begin an affair. Sadly, Natalie never picked up on this. He was driving her home one night after failing yet again to charm his way into her pants, and their car was passing through a tunnel when the meteorite hit. Now David's wife is dead, but he still can't seem to get Natalie to sleep with him. Isn't life cruel?

- Carter and Eddie: The Tards -

Carter and Eddie met several years ago, while they were both riding the short bus to special school. The two of them became fast friends, sharing their hopes and dreams of opening a bar for dogs and a do-it-yourself hair salon. They might be gay - it's really hard to tell, since they don't seem to know what sex is, or how to spell it. Nobody knows how they survived the disaster. According to them they were mowing the lawn with scissors, and then somehow wound up locked in a meat freezer beneath a McDonalds.

- Chelsea and Kim: The Reporters -

Kim and Chelsea were an intrepid news team, working for a channel that nobody really watched. They toiled away, interviewing old people and small business owners, dreaming of one day getting a fantastic scoop that would instantly elevate them to newsanchor superstardom. When the meteor broke through the stratosphere, Kim and Chelsea were on hand to film it and they celebrated wildly, certain that they were destined for CNN. And they probably would have been. Well, except for the fact that CNN, like every other news network, became nothing but rubble. And that we lost all electricity, so nobody can watch their video. And it's not really news, because everybody who's still alive already knows what happened. But, hey, they're the world's most famous newscasters now, by default, so that's worth something. Probably.

- Christine and Candice: The Deserters -

[/font][/div]

Unlike the other pairings, Christine and Candice didn't know each other before the disaster. Christine didn't know much of anybody, truth be told. Well, not anybody human. She got along fantastically well with her twenty-seven cats. She was trapped in the rubble of her house for nearly a month after the meteor hit; nineteen of her kitties were killed in the impact, and the other eight were delicious. Candice was a young medic helping with rescue efforts. She pulled Christine to safety, and helped her get set up at a refugee camp. The camp ran out of provisions very quickly, so the two of them hopped into a Jeep and sped away in search of food, leaving the others to starve. 

- Albert and Sophie: The Fixer-Uppers -

[/font][/div]

Albert was once a famous dating coach. He was locally known as the guy who could hook up anyone, anywhere, any time. It was widely rumoured that he was the one who set up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and then later broke up their marriage in order to help out his new client, Angelina Jolie. He was a man who could do no wrong. That is, until he met Sophie. No matter how hard poor Albert tried, there just wasn't a man on the planet who could fall in love with Sophie's ogre-ish countenance or her flat, undead-salmon-like eyes. He tried everything he could think of, but nothing worked. He was driven into madness and bankruptcy. On the day of the meteor blast, Albert was rescuing Sophie from a parking garage, where her 8,439th blind date had tried to mercy-kill her by drowning her in wet concrete. Now that the world is over, Albert has only one thing to live for: the slim, slim hope that he will find Sophie's true love and redeem his reputation.

- Ciera and Christina: The Twins -

[/font][/div]

I know what you're thinking - "Twins? But isn't Christina Asian?" Well, for your information, we're fraternal twins, you racist. According to our mother, we were conceived during an orgy, so we could totally have wound up being white, black, Hispanic, Italian, South African, Asian, Native American, Jewish, or Thoroughbred Andalusian Racing Horse. (We never asked for more detail that that.) We survived the apocalypse in style, having won free tickets to the International Space Station in a raffle the week before. Once our escape pod landed safely back on the planet, we began looking for other survivors, and that's how we got where we are today. 

------

So today we split off into groups, in order to forage for supplies. Sadly, I was separated from my BFF, Christina. Back when the world was normal, she and I used to hang out. It was nice, because Christina is awkward and kinda fat, so all the fine boytoys wanted a little slice of me and not her. But I'm sure I'll see her again.

What's weird, though, is that a lot of people in my group have started grumbling about the lack of supplies, and they're almost talking like they want to declare war on the other group. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does I'm definitely going to be on my toes. I already survived one world-ending cataclysm, I don't want to die in another. 

[Purple Kelly]

Who where you in Greenland?

[Ciera Eastin]

Peih-Gee! 

[Purple Kelly]

Perfect..

[Host Damien]

I'm literally dying at this confessional! Glad to have you back

[Ciera Eastin]

Well, I spent like an hour finishing up my post, and then proboards fricking deleted it. I'm going to try again, and if it doesn't work I'll just repost the whole thing in a new one tomorrow.

[Phillip Sheppard]

I lovesssss it

[Ciera Eastin]

Alright, I finally managed to edit in the rest of the cast bios. Expect a continuation of the story sometime soon.

[Host Damien]

^^Thoroughbred Andalusian Racing Horse

[Ciera Eastin]

~ Chapter Two: This Means War ~

The other group has officially decided to strike out on their own. I was pretty weirded out by that – I mean, humanity was annihilated, there are only eighteen people left on the planet, and you want to just go off and do your own thing? That’s just stupid.

We figured if they wanted to be like that, fine, we didn’t need them anyway. I felt awful losing Christina, but I don’t think she’s actually close to those guys – more likely, she’s just going along with whatever they say to keep from making waves. I don’t blame her – I don’t want a war to break out. We only have a handful of people left alive to keep the species going, so anybody that dies is going to exponentially weaken the gene pool. I mean, what if all the guys except Carter die? Then humanity is doomed because he’s gay. (Though, come to think of it, he’s also retarded. Maybe we can trick him into reproducing with a woman?)

Our first order of business was to set up a shelter. We decided to relocate from our original campsite to somewhere a bit more sheltered. Luckily, I knew where to find some abandoned ruins, which had once been a perfectly serviceable office building that my Mom worked at, until Christina and I wandered into the janitor’s office and decided to play mad scientists. Did you know that bleach explodes when you mix it with the right stuff?

It took a lot of work, but we pulled together and were able to make it nice and homey. Admittedly, most of the others were no help. Vecepia spent the entire time screaming thanks to Jesus, and Katie wouldn’t stop whining about her mom.

Then Eddie got into the paint, and things went downhill from there.

Luckily, David and I were able to get things in motion. I scouted the location, chose the shelter, swept it out, found jobs for everybody to do, organized a rat-catching detail, got the fire started, collected firewood, scrounged some pots and water canteens… and David made a flag.

“Holy crap!” yelled Chelsea. “LOOK AT THAT FLAG!”

“ZOMG!” screamed Katie. “IT’S WAVING!”

There were tears of ecstasy in Sophie’s sharklike eyes. “IT’S A WAVING FLAG!”

“LOOK AT IT WAVE!” howled Christine. “IT’S SO FLAPPY!!”

“I ate a pencil!” Eddie added.

“Holy crap, guys,” I said, building a church with my bare hands. “It’s just a flag.”

“THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS FLAG! I NO LONGER NEED TO EAT OR SLEEP!” raved Vecepia.

“THIS IS BETTER THAN TELEVISION!”

“I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH IT!”

Pete began to slobber with excitement. “GUYS! GUYS! LET’S ALL DO “THE WAVE” SO WE CAN LOOK LIKE THE FLAG!”

“YEAH! LET’S DO- Wait, did Eddie just say he wants to have sex with the flag?”

“Eddie, you mean you want to have sex on the flag, right?”

“No.”

“Okay, everybody keep Eddie away from the flag.”

While the rest of the tribe were busy celebrating the fact that a flag was capable of movement all by itself when wind hits it, I decided to sit alone in the shelter and sulk. That’s when the other team invaded.

The other group were carrying spears. They probably had other weapons too, based on the suspicious bulge in Albert’s underpants.

“Halt!” screamed Abi. “We demand that you surrender your campsite!”

“NEVER!” screeched Chelsea. “Get your own stupid campsite!”

“We do have a campsite,” Candice huffed. “It’s on the moon.”

Five full minutes later, we stopped laughing and calmed down enough to speak.

“On the moon!?” Pete gasped, trying not to choke on his tears of merriment, “That’s the stupidest place for a campsite I’ve ever heard!”

“Shut up shut up shut up!” snapped Natalie. “It’s on the moon, and we have purple things, and we all wear the same space suit, and-“

“NATALIE!” David ran towards her with his arms outstretched. “I’ve missed you so much! Please, let me give you a tantric massage!”

“BACK OFF!” snarled Sean, “OR WE WILL SMITE YOU LIKE THE PAGANS AND HEATHENS YOU ARE! YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU EVER MESSED WITH THE PAYNA TRIBE!”

“The Payna tribe?” Carter derped, “Who’s that?”

“I MEAN… THE PANYA TRIBE. OR… NO, IS IT PANYA?”

“I think it’s Payna.”

“No, it’s totally Panya. I wouldn’t make that mistake twice.”

Sean rallied magnificently. “WELL WHOEVER WE ARE, WE WILL FIGHT YOU!”

“BRING IT!” Chelsea screamed back, hefting her trusty axe. “I’ve killed like… eight rats with this thing!”

“That does it!” Sean thundered. “ATTACK THOSE PHILLISTINES!”

“Oh nuts!” I cried, and grabbed Christina’s hand. “We gotta run for it.”

Christina nodded at me, and we took off.

“They’re running for it!” Tina hollered. “Get ‘em, Paynas!”

Spears and stones whistled past us. I dove into the shelter I’d created, and Christina followed me… but not fast enough. A spear caught her in the back, and she fell, dead.

“NO! CHRISTINA!” I screamed.

“That’s right!” cackled Albert. “And you’re next!” He raised a spear, and drew his arm back to hurl it, when Kim’s voice cut across the clearing. “HOLY SHIT GUYS, LOOK AT THAT FLAG!”

Albert stopped, and looked up, mesmerized by the flapping bit of fabric. His bulge grew noticeably bigger.

Sean basked in the flag’s glory. “It’s like staring into the face of God!”

“My arthritis is gone!” Tina cried.

“I can feel love again!” Candice announced.

“Chocolate is a vegetable! I learned it on the Teletubbies!” Carter put in.

Albert dropped his spear. “Guys, we’re so sorry that we tried to invade you camp and stab you all to death with spears. Now that we’ve seen your awesome flag, and the totally sublime way that it ripples majestically in the wind, we see the error of our ways. Let’s put aside our differences, and work together.”

“Let’s have sex to celebrate!” David shouted at Natalie.

Everybody rejoiced.

“HOLD ON A MINUTE!” screamed a voice. Turns out it was me. I was clutching a spear, breathing raggedly, like a madwoman. “YOU DICKS KILLED MY SISTER! NOW YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

I threw myself at the Panyas or Paynas or whoever the hell they were, stabbing and scratching and biting like a maniac. I kicked Albert in the bulge, and mussed Carter’s fauxhawk. I raked my nails across Natalie’s fake tan. I kicked Abi in the balls. By the time Pete and Eddie dragged me away, the Panyas were fleeing for the treeline, swearing revenge.

Let ‘em come. They killed my sister. I’m gonna avenge her, no matter what the cost. Let the squirrels inherit the earth.

These bitches are going to pay.

[Host Damien]

Can't wait!! <3

[Ciera Eastin]

~ Chapter Three: Ask And Ye Shall Receive (The World's Longest Confessional, Part I) ~

We spent the rest of the night fortifying our camp in case the Paynas made good on their threats of attack. For the shelter where we live, sleep, and eat, we managed to patch up a few of the obvious holes using rotted boards and spackle, and constructed a rudimentary perimeter fence out of some sticks and string. For the flag, which flaps, we built an impenetrable steel-lined concrete brick wall with razor wire and mounted gun turrets on top.


“That’ll protect Ol’ Flappy from those no-good filthy Paynas!” Christine declared.


“I don’t get it,” I mentioned. “Why would the Panyas attack our flag?”


“It’s THE FLAG!” David snapped. “Everybody always wants to capture the flag! Haven’t you ever played Halo?”


“No. I’m a girl.”


Everybody gasped.


“And Halo sucks.”


Everybody gasped again.


“How can you say that!?” demanded Pete.


“Halo is the greatest video game ever!” David protested.


“Halo is what horses eat!” Carter shouted.


“Pfft,” I said. “What makes Halo so great?”


David looked as if someone had punched his mother. “You can… shoot stuff!”


I shot them an unenthused look. “As opposed to games like Call of Duty, Medal of Honor, Left 4 Dead, Metro, Tomb Raider, Grand Theft Auto, Spec Ops: The Line, Duck Hunt, BioShock, Mass Effect, Remember Me, XCom, Saints Row, Team Fortress 2, Half-life, Pong, Unreal Tournament, Metroid, Duke Nukem, Metal Gear Solid, and the James Bond games, where you can’t shoot stuff?”


Christine raised her hand. “Actually you can’t shoot stuff in Pong, it’s a table-tennis simulator.”


“Thus proving Halo’s superiority!” Pete declared.


“Fine, whatever. We’ll defend the flag.”


“ALL HAIL THE FLAG!” screamed Chelsea. Everybody prostrated themselves before the flag and basked in its magnificence.


I waited until they’d finished grovelling, and cleared my throat. “So… Okay, great. Flag worshipped. Let’s cross that off the list for today. Can someone come with me to get food?”


“I will!” Eddie announced. “I will get pizza!”


“Um.” I blinked. “There is no pizza anymore.”


“WHY CAN’T WE HAVE PIZZA!?” Eddie shrieked. “WANT PIZZA! WANT! WANT! WANT!” He continued shouting “WANT!” until Chelsea and Christine dragged him to the shelter, and put him down for a nap.


Just then, the Payna tribe showed up, decked out in purple war paint.


“Defenses!” I screamed.


“DEFEND THE FLAG!” screamed David.


We began picking up various weapons we’d fashioned out of pointy objects we’d scrounged from the rubble, and formed a defensive perimeter around the ludicrously over-defended flag.


“People of Nyoka!” Sean bellowed, “We have come to give you an ultimatum!”


“An old tomato?” asked Sophie, puzzled.


“No! An ultimatum. It’s like… a threat, type of thing.”


“That doesn’t sound very Christian,” Vecepia put in.


“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Sean screamed. “We have talked it over amongst ourselves, and we have decided to allow you to live.”


“Umm…” I said. “You’re going to allow us to live?”


“Yes! All that you must do to earn our forgiveness is to apologize for being such jackasses earlier, and give us all of your food and water, all of your firewood, your shelter, your clothing, any personal items you may possess.”


“Sound reasonable,” said Christine.


Sean conferred with the Panyas, and turned back to us. “And we’ll need someone to donate a kidney. Tina’s are failing.”


“I’ve got the durned leukemias,” Tina drawled sadly.


“I’m pretty sure we can find a kidney,” David shrugged. “Carter’s not using both of his. And we won’t even need anaesthetic, because tards can’t feel pain.”


Sean smacked his forehead. “Oh, right, and I forgot, one more thing, you’ll also need to give us your flag.”


This sentence had an effect akin to throwing a lit match onto a dynamite truck.


“NO FUCKING WAY!!” screamed everybody else on the tribe.


“WE WOULD RATHER DIE!!” shrieked Chelsea.


“LET’S MAKE DAISY CHAINS AND SING SONGS!” howled Eddie.


“YEAH!” agreed Carter.


“Then you will all die!” Sean solemnly pronounced.


I raised my hand. “Um, last time we fought, we kicked your asses and then you killed someone on your own team. I think we’ll be okay.”


“GET THEM!” Sean bellowed.


“I’m going to tear your entrails out and use them as party streamers!” Christine threatened.


Just then there was a loud rumbling sound.


“’scuse me,” said Carter.


“That wasn’t a fart!” I snapped. “That was an earthquake!”


Albert looked down at the ground, which was visibly cracking beneath his feet. “Oh, way to go, guys. Now you broke the Earth!”


Mass pandemonium ensued.


“PROTECT THE FLAG!” howled Christine.


“What do we do what do we do what do we do!?” jabbered Natalie.


“Your whole tribe should just stand right there and don’t move a muscle,” I suggested, spotting a prime opportunity to get revenge for Christina’s death. “The earthquake won’t hurt you if you’re standing still. But if it does, you should all hold onto these bulging bags of broken glass.”


“Won’t these stab us in like a million places if we fall on them?” asked Katie.


“Don’t be silly! It’s so you’ll have something to attack the earth with if it tries to hurt you.”


“Great! Thanks!” beamed Albert, freezing in place.


“Wait,” said Carter, his face scrunching comfortably back into the confused expression that he almost always wore, “if we hafta stay still, why is your tribe all running away from the earthquake?”


I followed his pointing finger, to where my fellow Nyokas were hightailing it through the woods towards a handy-looking cave. I couldn’t help but notice that while they’d forgotten me, they had definitely remembered to take the flag with them.


“Those idiots!” I shrieked. “Er… look… I had better… umm… go get them and warn them to stay still, so they don’t get killed by the earthquake. You guys just stay right here, okay?”


My traitorous tribemates had already made it to the cave, and I had almost caught up to them by the time Panya figured out that I’d essentially asked them to commit mass suicide. Their angry shouts provided a nice harmony to the deep bass undertones that were emanating from the shattered earth.


We watched from the safety of our little haven as they scrambled for safety amidst the pelting rocks and chunks of debris raining down from the heavens. I may or may not have made disappointed little “tch” noises every time they successfully dodged a flying boulder or Chevy Nova.


Natalie, being a dancer, was much more agile than the rest of her tribe. She scrambled up to a ledge just below our cave, panting heavily.


“Natalie!” David cried. “Quick, come up here! We can save you!”


Natalie looked upwards. Just then, a large rock came hurtling out of the sky. It caught the back of Natalie’s head with a loud thud. She collapsed to the ledge.


“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” David screamed, so loudly that it seemed his lungs would burst out of his chest.

While the rest of us stood in shock, David threw himself down the mountain, scrambling and sliding down towards his fallen love.


We exchanged assorted discomforted glances, then began to follow David down the slope. When we reached the ledge, David was huddled over the prone Natalie.


Chelsea approached tentatively. “Uh, David, what are you doing?”


“Oh! Hey guys… I was… just… giving her mouth to mouth. You know… for CPR. And stuff.”


“I’m pretty sure you don’t have to take her shirt off to do CPR,” Christine pointed out. “Or her bra.”


David glared at her, and opened his mouth to give a retort, when a spearhead appeared to sprout from the middle of his stomach. David clutched the shaft with a gurgle, his mouth dripping blood.


More spears flew past us, clattering off the rocks. Evidently Panya really hadn’t appreciated my advice earlier, and they were pretty intent on killing us.


“Shit!” yelled Christine.


“I know, right?” Vecepia cried. “Now who’s going to make our flags?”


“FORGET THAT! RUN AWAY!” I screamed at them, as a makeshift arrow whistled past my ear.


We immediately headed for the cave, clambering up the rough rock face as quickly as we could. Spears and stones hailed down around us as we went.

[Ciera Eastin]

~ Chapter Four: Honor Bound (The World's Longest Confessional, Part II) ~

I was the last one to make it up to the cave. I’m not in great shape, partially due to the lovely starvation diet that we’ve all been on since the world ended, but mostly because working out is hard. I hauled myself up onto the ledge, gasping for breath. I gained my footing, and staggered towards the cave, when something slammed into the back of my head. I hit the dirt, face first. It tasted awful.


When I looked up, there was a squat little woman with a smushed face staring down at me. She was holding a thick stick, which she’d obviously used to smack me. I rushed at her in a tackle. I’ve never played football, so I was about a foot short, and got a second helping of dirt. Luckily, I had enough presence of mind to roll away before Abi’s next blow splattered my brains across the ground. I sprang upright, and kicked and swatted at her. Abi retreated back, swinging defensively. I received a few stinging blows from the stick for my trouble.


“I’m gonna charm you up!” Abi shrieked incomprehensibly.


“Well I’m gonna fuck you up!” I snapped back, accompanying this witty retort with a fist to the face.


Abi staggered back, looked confused for a second, then realized that she was no longer standing on the ledge. Her body careened off of trees on the way down, leaving blood spattered across the trunks before she met a large boulder face-first with a meaty crunch.



“Holy shit!” Pete yelled, running over to me. “You punched Abi off the cliff!”



“Yup,” I said testily.



He looked at Abi’s broken body far below. “She’s dead!”


“Yup.”


“She’s really dead!”


“Yup.”


“You know that there’s only one thing I can do about this, right?”


“Yup.”


Pete gave me five dollars.


Then the shouts from below reminded us that we were in a warzone, and we headed for the cave. We reached the mouth of the cave as the first of the Panyas were cresting the ledge. Chelsea, Eddie, Vecepia and Katie ran past us, ready to meet the enemy. “Guard the cave in case any of them get past us!” Vee yelled back to me. “You’re the only one we can trust!”


I was too wiped to do anything but nod.


Me, Christine, Pete, and Sophie readied ourselves for whatever might come. Christine stole the only shield all for herself, which I thought was a pretty bitch move since I was obviously the one who needed it most. We heard the sounds of fierce combat outside the cave. Footsteps approached, accompanied by shouts.


It was Albert, heading a group of Panyas. He, Kim, and Carter rushed at us. We readied ourselves for the assault, but something changed our minds.


That something was Candice, who ran towards us screaming something. She was gesturing frantically at the ceiling, shouting something that none of us could make out. I’m not a hundred percent sure on this one, but I’d like to think that what she was saying was “The roof is going to cave in!” because that’s exactly what happened next. With an ominous rumble, rocks began to vomit down from the ceiling.


When the dust cleared, we could vaguely make out Candice’s shattered and bloody arm protruding from a large pile of rocks.



“Well… shit,” said Albert.


Everybody stood around awkwardly.


“Looks like we’re stuck here,” I said, eventually.


“Looks like it,” Albert agreed.



“Well… since we might be the only people left alive… how about we don’t kill each other?” I proposed. I hadn’t forgotten that these people had killed Christina, but if my undignified scramble up the mountain was any indication of my physical prowess, there was no way in hell I was going to be able to dig my own way out of the rubble.


“Sure!” Albert agreed. “No point in getting all of ourselves killed over pointless grudges.”


We spent the night in conversation with each other, sharing different perspectives on the horrors we’d all faced. The apocalypse had taken its toll on all of us, and it was wonderful to be able to open up to other people, and feel for the first time like we weren’t all alone in this.


After a while, we all drifted off to sleep. The next morning we awoke, our fledgling trust in one another bolstered by the fact that nobody had shanked anybody else during the night. We spent the entire day digging rubble, hoping to spot a glimmer of daylight, or any indication that the others had survived. Hours into the effort, we saw what might have been a small shaft of light.


We went to bed hopeful, and woke up to another day of digging. We had very little food, and only firelight to keep us from going insane in the darkness. Near dusk, we finally broke through. There was nobody on the other side, as far as we could see. Perhaps they were gone for good.


That night we sat around the campfire, discussing plans for the future. We obviously couldn’t stay here in the cave long-term, in case of another collapse. But where would we go? What would we do? How would we survive in the meantime?



“Listen up,” Albert said earnestly. “I think we need to get rid of Pete. He’s been moody ever since Abi died. I think he might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”


Everybody looked over to where Pete sat alone apart from the group. He was crouched in the shadows, holding a makeshift spear, staring off into space. We had to admit, he did look kind of menacing.


Still, I rolled my eyes. There was absolutely no reason to get rid of Pete. If there was anybody we needed to worry about, it was Carter. The scruffy derptard had gotten it into his head that I was some kind of coyote or wolf or something, and refused to be convinced of my humanity. He kept insisting that I was a beast of some kind, and whimpered fearfully every time I came near him. Naturally, I was shocked when Christine piped up and said, “I agree.”


I glared at Christine. “Excuse me?”


“Pete’s strong. If he goes on a bloody rampage, there’s no way to know what will happen. Better we take him out now.”



I faked a smile, then dragged Christine out of earshot. “What the hell is the matter with you? We have four people, they have three. If we let them kill Pete, we’re down to three Nyokas, and one of them is Sophie!”


Christine shrugged indifferently. “We still have the flag.”


“Fuck the flag!” I snapped.


Christine’s eyes grew cold. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”



There was nothing I could do. They had made up their minds. Over top of my protests, the group dragged Pete to a darkened corner, and stabbed him with a spear. He barely struggled, just glared silently at those who had betrayed him. I felt horrible.


I had a hard time falling asleep that night. The Pete incident didn’t sit well with me, and I ran over and over it in my head, wondering if there was something I could or should have done to try and change the group’s mind. Eventually, I drifted off.



I don’t know how long I’d been sleeping when I was suddenly jolted awake by the sensation of someone grabbing my arms. I twisted my wrist out of their grip, tried to smack away whoever it was, but they were fast. My arms were yanked behind me, and I felt something being tied around them.



I tried to yell, only to have a second person cram some kind of cloth into my mouth, stifling my cries. I tried to spit out the mouthful of cloth as the first assailant finished tying my wrists securely behind my back. Once that was finished, they bound my ankles together. Another band of cloth went over my mouth, securing the gag.


Once they were satisfied that I wouldn’t be moving or screaming any time soon, one of my attackers lifted me with a grunt, and began to carry me deeper into the depths of the cave. I screamed into the gag, trying to attract the help of someone, anyone, but it was useless. I couldn’t make any sound louder than a faint moan. None of my sleeping tribemates stirred as I was borne away into the darkness.



When we had gotten far enough away from the rest of the group, the second figure fiddled with a lighter for a second, before producing a small flame. It only provided a very small amount of light, but it was enough to identify my attackers: Albert and Sophie.



“Sorry about this,” Albert whispered. “But you’re just too dangerous to let live.”



Sophie grinned at me, her wolfish eyes glittering in the firelight.


I tried to mumble out something, reason with them, but they ignored my muffled protests and continued taking me down the tunnels. After what felt like an eternity of twists and turns, Albert dropped me roughly.


“This should be far enough,” he asserted. “Go back to the others, before they notice we’re gone.”


Sophie vanished into the darkness, leaving me alone with Albert.


“I’m sure you want to know why we’re doing this,” he said calmly. “It’s simple, really. I ruined my career as a dating coach trying to find someone, anyone, who would bone Sophie. I tried telling people she was a magic genie who granted wishes when they had sex with her, I tried selling her to a pimp… I even took her to Mexico and tried to trade her to some sketchy banditos for a bag of corn chips. Nobody would take her. But now that the world is over… I thought maybe I could finally find someone who would be desperate enough for a pity bang. But there’s no chance of that happening with you around. Nobody will look twice at Sophie with a pretty girl like you in the picture. So you’ve gotta go.”


I shot him a death glare. Here I had been thinking that he was some megalomaniacal idiot who wanted to rule the dying earth, and saw me as a threat due to my unique functional brain. But he just wanted someone to pity bang Sophie so he wouldn’t be such a loser? What a lousy reason to murder me.


As if sensing my disapproval, Albert shrugged. “If it helps, I’m not even going to kill you. I’ll leave you here, and tell everybody that it seems like you’ve run off to join the other tribe. While they’re all busy digging, I’ll send Carter down here ‘to look for water.’ And, oh, look, he’ll find you. For some damn reason he thinks you’re an evil beast of some kind, so he won’t think twice about killing you. He’ll come back and tell everybody that the cave is infested with monsters, we’ll all run away and leave this forsaken hole, and I’ll be one step closer to getting Sophie some action.”



I rolled my eyes at him. Just because I couldn’t talk, it didn’t mean I wasn’t going to find a way to call him a retard.



Albert looked down the passageway. “I should probably get going… but before I do, I’ve got some news for you,” Albert whispered into my ear. “You and I used to know each other. Before the world ended.”



I looked at him, puzzled. I’d definitely never seen him before in my life. Albert smiled. “You don’t recognize me, I guess. Makes sense. I’ve changed a lot. With the consolation money I won from my catastrophic final TC performances, I had my implants removed, shaved my head, got a sex change, and then wound up having my skin permanently darkened after I overdosed on tanning solution.”


My eyes narrowed. Albert was the one person that even God’s own laser-guided apocalypse couldn’t quite finish off. Heidi.&nbsp;My high school nemesis.



Albert chuckled at my furious glare, and brushed a stray lock of hair from where it’d fallen into my eyes. “Glare all you want, princess. There’s nothing you can do. Have fun with Carter tomorrow, mmkay?”



And then he was gone, leaving me alone in the darkness.

[Ciera Eastin]

~ Chapter Five: Nice Job Breaking It, Hero! (The World's Longest Confessional, Part III) ~

I lay there in the darkness for hours after Albert left, struggling to get free. It was no good. The ropes were tight, and the knots held fast. I kept at it anyway, rubbing the bonds against the rocks in the vain hopes of shredding the rope and getting free. I wasn’t ready to die.


I was still straining against the ropes, thinking perhaps I’d made some kind of miniscule progress, when I heard the footsteps. It was Carter, coming to kill me!


Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, I thought, rubbing the ropes against the rocks faster and faster in a desperate race against the inevitable. The footsteps drew nearer, and I glimpsed a faint sliver of light peeping from beyond the next bend.

It was no use. I closed my eyes, and waited for the inevitable. I hoped Carter at least had a spear or something, which would be a lot quicker than if he tried bashing my head in with a rock.


“There you are!” said a woman’s voice.


I looked up. Christine!


“Here, lemme untie you.”


I practically sobbed in relief as she pulled the ropes away, freeing me.


“Thank God you’re here, Christine!” I hugged her tightly.


“Albert was planning to kill you,” Christine said earnestly.


I very strongly considered saying something along the lines of, “Oh, shit, really? If only someone had, you know, warned you that letting him run the tribe was a bad idea!” but decided that that was perhaps a bit too snarky of an attitude to take with someone who’d just saved my life.


Christine motioned towards the exit. “Come on, we should get out of here.”


“Huh?”


“We should leave, before Albert finds out I let you free.”


I considered that option. We could very easily leave, and make our own way in the forest. But then the world’s largest civilization, topping out at four people, would be in the hands of a post-op tanning addict. I couldn’t responsibly let that happen.


“No.” I cracked my knuckles. “It’s time to perform an Albortion.”


Christine looked at me hesitantly.


“What? It’s my choice, isn’t it?”


Unable to argue with that logic, Christine shrugged and followed me. It was time to finish what God had started.


Albert and Sophie were sitting by the campfire, with their backs to us. “Those poor idiots,” Albert said softly. “They have no idea what they’re getting themselves into.”


As it turns out, it’s surprisingly easy to break someone’s neck. The first thing you have to do is grab ahold of their head. Sticking your fingers into their eye sockets isn’t strictly necessary, but I can attest that it totally helps with grip, and feels awesome. Step two, you just twist sharply, until you feel the bones snapping. If you don’t do it right, though, your victim will just drop to the floor, mostly paralyzed. However, if there’s a convenient campfire nearby, you can just kick the unfortunate bastard into it and let them burn to death. It’ll smell pretty bad, but there’s a lot of fat in bodies, and that stuff’s more than worth its weight in firewood. Isn’t learning fun?


While Albert was gurgling helplessly amongst the coals, Christine had shoved Sophie up against the wall. The fugly girl was straining against Christine’s grip, screaming and cursing at us. All of this somehow made Sophie even uglier than she’d been before, which I’ll confess was a pretty big surprise. I’d totally have thought that that was impossible.


Carter and Kim came rushing in.


“What’s going on?” Kim asked, her eyes wide with concern.


“Do Dutch people come from Dutchland?” asked Carter.


Sophie raged and swore at Carter. “You dumbfuck! You retard! I hope you get cancer! I hope you get crabs, and the crabs get superherpes, and then you get run over by a semi-truck hauling canisters of AIDS!”


Christine put Sophie into a headlock. “This bitch was trying to kill Ciera. She and Albert had the whole thing planned out, and they wanted to kill you guys next.”


Kim and Carter gasped.


“Those bitches!” Kim raged.


“AIDS doesn’t come in a canister!” Carter yelled. “It comes in Bands, or Kools, or Firsts!”


“Yeah!” Kim agreed. “Wait, what?”


“Band-Aids, Kool Aid, First Aid,” I said miserably.


“Ohhhhh.”


“The stupidity! It hurts my brain!” Sophie howled.


“What should we do with her?” Christine asked. “Kill her?”


I snorted. “She might be a bitch who looks like someone beat the Ugly Stick with the Hideous Hammer, but we’re not killers. Chuck her out into the wilderness and let her go her own way.”


Everybody nodded assent, and we hauled the kicking, screaming Sophie to the cave entrance, then threw her out into the night.


“Well, that’s that,” I said.


“I sure hope that that doesn’t come back to haunt us,” said Christine.


“Ha!” Kim laughed. “What are the odds of that?”


One hundred percent, as it turned out. The next morning, we awoke and set about our day. Our merry little tribe of four seemed a good deal less cheery than usual, if the relatively unenthused way in which my tribemates sacrilegiously pledged their eternal souls to Ol’ Flappy were any guide.


Around midday, the Panyas showed up at the mouth of the cave. I’d love to say I was surprised, but by this point I’d just sort of started to assume that things were going to be shitty. I have yet to ever be proven wrong.


“We’ve come to talk about peace again,” Sean said, lowering his weapons. As he did, all of the other Panyas lowered their weaponry too.


“We’ve been fighting for a long time. Why are you suddenly interested in peace now?” I asked suspiciously, pointing my katana at the street preacher.


“We were all sitting around last night, when we heard a mysterious noise. We sent Eddie out to investigate. While he was gone, ot occurred to us that our actions were distinctly unchristian. Wouldn’t God be happier if all of his children could get along in perfect harmony? We could band together, and this new world could-”


“We smelled meat cooking,” Chelsea interrupted.


“Oh,” we all said. Everybody tried hard not to look at the campfire where Albert had been burned alive.


“Please!” Tina begged. “We haven’t had anything to eat fer days. Please share yer bacon with us. We’ll be good, I promise!”

“Er…”


“Pleeeeease?” whined Katie.


I’m not proud of what happened next, but it arguably wasn’t my fault.


Carter looked confusedly down at Albert’s fire-blackened skull. “Guys, there isn’t any-”


“Isn’t any reason to be selfish!” I interrupted loudly. “We ate most of the meat, but there might still be some left in the ashes! If you can find any, you can have it!”


All four of us turned away, trying hard not to vomit as the Panyas flocked to our campfire, and began to cry out with delight as they found bones with some meat still on them. If the loud gnawing sounds and delighted lip-smacking were any guide, Albert tasted delicious.


Just then, Sophie showed up.


“Holy shit!” screamed Kim. “Sophie’s back to kill us all!”


Sophie attempted a disarming smile, which made her look like a constipated wolf. “What? That’s crazy! I’m not Sophie! I’m Eddie!” The grotesque girl gestured to her clothing. She was wearing Eddie’s shirt, upon which she had scrawled with a magic marker: “I’m Totally Eddie.”


“EDDIE!” shrieked Carter. “I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!”


“Good to see you again, Eddie!” said Chelsea.


“Come have some meat!” Sean mumbled, his mouth half full.


Everybody looked at Sophie. “Didn’t you guys miss me?” she asked, trying to make her voice sound deep.


To my surprise, Vecepia rushed up to Sophie, punched her solidly in the solar plexus, and then booted her out the cave door and over the ledge. A few long seconds later, there was a solid crunch.


“NOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Carter.


“That wasn’t Eddie,” Vecepia stated flatly.


“Thank goodness someone else is capable of figuring out things that are really fricking obvious,” I said honestly.


“It was easy,” Vecepia shrugged. “Her shirt said ‘I’m Totally Eddie,’ but anybody who knows Eddie would know that there was no way he could ever spell his own name correctly, much less the word ‘Totally.’”


“Or, well, the fact that it was clearly a girl. That could have been an indicator. Anyway, that’s that.” I turned back towards the campfire, only to see a knifepoint hovering just next to my ribcage.


“Um.” I stared curiously at Sean, who was holding the knife.


“Oh! Sorry!” Sean laughed unconvincingly. “Funny story, I was just going to wash my knife, and you were standing right there, and I almost stabbed you completely by accident! How silly of me.”


“Yah-huh,” I said flatly.


That afternoon, Katie lapsed into a coma. It took us a while to notice that she’d stopped moving and breathing, mostly because it wasn’t really any different than when she’d been alive.


Vecepia pulled me aside later, and warned me that Sean and Tina wanted me to die. Apparently they were threatened by my keen insight into the obvious, and they wanted me out of the way so that they could populate the planet with Bible thumpers and hillbilly derptards. In a way, it was so obvious that I couldn’t even really be surprised.


That night I went off by myself, and found a small passage that nobody else was slim enough to fit into. I was effectively immune from any attacks that Sean and his groupies might have tried to make. I still didn’t trust them. Come morning, I’d do my best to convince everyone that he and Tina needed to die.
Maybe Carter was right. Maybe I was a beast. 

These people had no idea what they'd provoked, what kind of hell they had just unleashed upon themselves. Poke the beast, you get the claws. Might as well barf up your lungs now, because they're comin' out right away anyway. 

This thing wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. 

[Host Damien]

Wow…I'm in love!!